Well, Friday began a new era in my life. After 18 years, I do not have to drive any daughter anywhere. No early-morning school drives, no school play practices, no sports practices, no "nothing". Our youngest got her license on Friday.
It was with mixed emotions that I sat on the curb outside the DMV three days ago (because it was so crowded inside the building, I had been waiting outside). Lauren came out with a uniformed lady with a pad in her hand and talking congenially with my little girl. How dare her be the one to give my youngest her freedom! How dare her be the one that signs a form on her clipboard that says that she no longer needs me. I know, I know -- this is sappy and over reactive to the "ninth", but "firsts" and "lasts" do something to you.
As Lauren and the instructor drove out of the DMV parking lot, it was a strange sensation that hit me. In the same breath, I sighed as in relief and moaned in unrequited parenthood. Where did those 16 years go? Did I do a good job? Did I enjoy the time spent with Lauren and her two older sisters in the car - driving them to who-knows-where as I should have? Absolutely not. I remember times that I thought, "Just one more mile." "Just one more child to haul around" And now this. But I also remember the talks, the easy silence, the smiles, the stroke of the hair, the singing together, and just "being together".
Regret and relief all wrapped up tightly into this ironic cosmos of reality. That part of parenting is done. Why were there tears welling up in my eyes as I was also thinking blissfully of sleepy mornings, waking up slowly, holding a cup of coffee, and writing my book, as Lauren and Stef (in college now) drive themselves to their parts of the world?
'Cause if there's a "first" there's usually a "last" -- and with those two conflicting emotions come the dilemma. Do I soak in the sorrow of childhoods gone by or revel in the new freedom that this gives me as a woman, wife, mother of more mature daughters, friend, author, teacher, mentor, and speaker?
Hmmm.....I think I'm talking myself into liking this.
I'll concentrate on the "firsts" that has come to all of us!!!
2 comments:
Thanks for this one. Sometimes when my girl is talking non-stop in the car after school I think to myself, "I wish she'd be quiet for 2 minutes"- just to give me time to think. You reminded me to not take these special times for granted.
I'm so glad! Not to say that you aren't ever gonna want her to "be quiet" but just savoring as much as you can....
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