Stepping Aside

Last night I came back to Charlotte after 11 days with my parents. Today I find myself experiencing quite a "disconnect" from my house, from my obligations, from pretty much everything - which I imagine is normal under the circumstances. The world according to hospital can be very absorbing and acclimating back to the real world can take a little effort!

Since I wrote last, dad has completed four more days of rehab. He is able to even get in the shower now, which felt quite good to him, I'm sure! Yesterday, Sunday, he actually came home for a little while. Mom went down and picked him up around noon, had to sign her life away to get him out, and then brought him to their house. I cooked lunch, Michelle helped me clean up, and Jeff was putting the finishing touches on the brand new, one-of-a-kind lift that dad's brother built for him. What a blessing! So, we clapped and watched as dad maneuvered into his electric wheelchair and was lifted into the house. At first, he still had that "been in the hospital" too long gaze, but as he and Jeff went around the house looking for problem areas and learning to get around on that wheelchair, he warmed up and relaxed. He even was able to slide onto his bed - and said he wished he could have stayed there! :) Jeff did take off two doors going into their bathroom which will make it easier for him to get around that room.

We had a nice lunch with a warm breeze blowing off Lennon Lake and just enjoyed being together as family! It did my heart good to see him do so well around the house, and it was mainly because of that, I decided that I would not come back down this week, but would instead go with Jeff to a missions conference in Virginia. I had been struggling with what to do about this week when dad would be released from rehab. Should I be there with them or not?

Mom took dad back to rehab about 4:00 p.m., and the rest of us started cleaning up and packing up for our trip back to Charlotte. I was the last one out of the house and just took a minute to walk around praying for my mom, for God to give her supernatural strength and grace for the days to come, and for my dad that God would keep his mind renewed and stayed on Him, and give him the physical strength to maintain a good quality lifestyle after he came home. Tears ran down my cheek as I walked around the home of my parents, and I experienced a momentary twinge of guilt for leaving them. But, I know, too, that is a normal feeling. Many of my friends have told me of their stories about caring for parents and all the emotions that are embedded into that care.

So, I have stepped aside for now. Back to the ministry to which I was called many years ago - when my parents were young and healthy. Now, they are older, but not helpless. They have not come to the point where they need my constant care....though they love how I am able to pop in for days at a time and do just that! So until that time when it becomes evident they need that constancy of care, I will continue asking God to give me great wisdom as to when I go and stay with them and when I step aside.

I am so proud of my dad for his endurance and hard work - and the testimony he has been to many! My mom is an amazing lady with a very strong faith though physically she struggles. I believe that God will empower both of them with exactly what they need for this week and the following ones!

Your prayers and encouragement has been wonderful these past two weeks. These days have taken a physical and emotional toll on me that I am just now assessing. I do ask that you continue to pray for all of us. Now, I need to make a phone call and see how my sweet parents are doing......

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my vision O Lord of my heart....naught be all else to me save that Thy art. Thy my best thought by day or by night...waking or sleeping Thy presence - my life!!!


After 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep, my mind and body feels stronger today. Fatigue can play tricks on us - we all know that. It is why I always counsel anyone that seems beaten physically down with exhaustion not to make any big decisions and certainly not to act on the way they are feeling! Exhaustion is a bad place to be anytime, but when you are a caretaker to someone who needs positive reinforcement and encouragement, it is mandatory that you be on top of your game!

Just talked to my dad and he sounded tired, but good after his first rehab session. Said that he did not sleep very well last night. He won't say it, but we have all had those times in the middle of the night when it's just us and God and our deepest thoughts. As hard as I would like to protect him from those times and just stay with him every night, I know that he must have them and he must feel the powerful ministering hand of His Heavenly Father - alone. Before I left him last night, I walked down to the little chapel and struggled with the Lord about that. I could tell he wished I would stay just to be there to push the button, help him when nature calls, etc.... I wanted to but I distinctly heard God tell me to leave my daddy in His hands. Do you trust me, Kim? Remember in Africa when he had knee replacement surgery and you couldn't be here? Remember your struggles in giving him over to me? When you asked that I enable the surgeon to do the very best surgery he had ever done. And I did that. Remember?

I did remember and was again overwhelmed at God's amazing faithfulness to me at that time. So, I kissed my daddy, reminded him that this is a new beginning, that he no longer has to worry about infection in that old foot. We both smiled and I slipped out of his room. Then I came home to spend some sweet time with my mom and then I was asleep by 10:30 (which is amazing for me!)

One funny thing happened yesterday - or at least, my mom chooses to look at it as funny and not dwell on the sadness of it. She went shopping yesterday morning to buy my dad some workout clothes for rehab. Gym shorts and tee shirts. On the list was also "non-skid socks" and she said that she was actually heading toward the sock section when it hit her: He doesn't need those. And then she said that she laughed outloud! Wow! What an amazing woman to just soak in the joy of the Lord at a time like that.

I was reminded by a friend this morning that has many trials of her own that there is not a prerequisite of having two good feet in order to be the feet of Jesus to the world who desperately needs HIM. Oh, that is so true! My dad will continue to be a light, the aroma of God, and will exude the hope of His Savior!

Though my flesh still struggles with seeing the reality of disease and suffering and knowing that the world we knew before as the Lennon family has changed drastically, the greater Truth is that God's ways ARE higher....and amazing...and good....and powerful....and HE IS ABLE to keep my dad, to sustain him, to strengthen him to do the things that I (my flesh) wonder if he'll be able to physically do at his age. But God and Bob together are a powerful force!! Not because of anything Bob can do, but simply because he has chosen to take God out of the box and let HIM BE VERY BIG!!!

So my dad, my mom, and I all choose to allow Him to continue to be our "best thought by day or by night"!

Praise Him! His presence fills our lives! How about yours?

Reality, Hard Work, and a Big Dose of Grace

Today was the fourth day into this newest challenge in our lives - and by far, the hardest in a lot of ways. I have actually hit a wall tonite, so this blog will not be long. Hopefully after getting my dad moved to rehab tomorrow, I will have more time and energy to relate some of the things that have been going on around me and inside my heart.

Thankfully when the doctor came in this morning (I had stayed with dad for the third night straight), and checked the stitches, it seems to be healing well with no redness or infection. That is a praise!

There is a part of dad that is so glad that he does not have to worry about sores, infections, and a diseased foot anymore. But though he hasn't said anything, I know that he is also thinking of how different it is without either foot. Admittedly, to see my dad laying in the bed with two numbs, instead of feet, has been hard. More than anything, I, as his daughter, want to preserve his dignity. Being with him the last few days and being a primary caretaker, I have tried to keep him covered, properly presented, and as dignified as someone can look while sitting in a hospital bed wearing a hospital gown.

Last night, we both slept from about 11:30 until 3:00 a.m. when something woke me up! I decided that I would give my dad some water and see how he was doing. When I touched him, he was wringing wet (I am not exaggerating). Quickly we checked his blood sugar and it had plunged to 49. My dad uses an insulin pump that maintains a constant flow of insulin to his body - even while he sleeps if he does not suspend it. His diet in the hospital has been very little carbs, so he really does not need all that insulin, especially at night. It took us from 3 - 5 a.m. to make sure his sugar went over 100. That was a little disturbing as we realized that this has happened more than once this week and then quite often at home. He simply MUST be convinced to suspend his insulin pump at night. I was just glad that I woke up and checked him when I did. God is good.....

Today was a frustrating day and a physically overwhelming one for him. Not having the correct equipment and staff to know how to tell him to transfer from his bed to a wheelchair, dad worked so hard with no results. He finally fell back in bed and did not even want to eat his breakfast. He slept some and just seemed discouraged. But though I knew he was frustrated, maybe embarrassed, and discouraged, he kept trying to smile - and he never said an unkind word to anyone. After a couple of hours and with the help of an occupational therapist and a better system of transferring himself, he made it! He sat in the wheelchair for a little while. By the time his lunch came, he seemed ravenous and ate very well!

I came back my parents' house by 4:00 p.m. to try and get some sleep. I might have slept a couple of hours, but was simply too exhausted to rest well. After spending some time here at the house with my mom, I called my dad at the hospital and talked to him about whether he was expecting me to come and stay the night with him again. Of course, he would love to have me there, but I explained that I felt I needed to get a little more sleep. Promising to be there bright and early at 7:00 with a cup of coffee for both of us, he seemed fine. I made him promise to turn his insulin pump off tonite though I believe, after last night, the nurse will be more diligent to check him because they documented his "bottoming out" incident of last night in his chart. So, I am leaving him in the hands of our Heavenly Father....and will try to get some sleep.

Most likely, down the road, I will have my time when I fully comprehend all the emotions that I am dealing with this week. But not right now. Every ounce of energy must be put into care and support and encouragement for both my parents. Jeff left this morning to take care of some stuff at my parents' mountain house near Blowing Rock. I miss him so much. It was such a blessing to have him, Lauren, and her boyfriend Ben with me this weekend. They were all so helpful in making me not feel so "alone" in the task of caring for my parents and the things that need to be done. Now, that they are all gone for the week, I am trying to keep a good perspective.

Isaiah 26 has been the chapter I have gleaned from over and over the past couple of days. Verse 3 says, "The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You." Such profound truths at a time like this!

My dad and mom both willpower, stamina, and determination to make the best of this daunting situation and to also maintain a powerful testimony for their Savior to all who know them. They are well established in this walk of faith because of the 27 years of living out the intensity of having a terminal ill son. This is but another step in this thing called "walking by faith"!

It is times like these when TRUTH must prevail - not our feelings. A steadfast belief in the promises God gives us. NO MATTER what is going on around us.

I choose to sleep with those truths tonite.....and wake up to live them out!

God's Ways are Higher - Isaiah 55

It has been quite a ride the past 36 hours. It's midnight, the second night after my dad's surgery and I am sitting in his hospital room listening to him sleeping.

Surgery was quick and it took all I had to not think about what they were doing in that operating room! Losing a limb is a pretty severe thing, but dad has a cousin who visited him today that has terminal cancer - and dad said that he would much rather lose a limb than going through what his cousin is experiencing. All in the perspective we have about our lives, I guess.

Dad evidently has a pretty high pain tolerance because I just never saw him in agony as I imagined that he would be. Of course, pain management has become so much more effective than it used to be. He has been trooper so far. His outlook on life is so positive and he chooses to look at the possibilities instead of the limitations.

Last night was a long night, as you may well know if you have ever stayed with someone who had just gotten out of surgery. It is always wise for a family member to stay especially the first night after surgery. There's so many things that can go wrong, there's so many things they can help the loved one do, and if you are one that counts on hospital staff to do everything for you...you will have a rude awakening. (Now for all my friends that work as nurses and such at hospitals, you know that you are the "exception" to the rule ;)

The lounge chair that I had last night needs to be thrown in a dumpster somewhere. It was malfunctioning and because of that, I really got a workout the many times I had to get up to care for dad during the night. I wrestled and wrestled with that chair until I was exhausted. Dad slept almost 3 1/2 hours straight at one point during the night, and I was so thankful for that! The only downside was that he was on one of those pain pumps where you give yourself a dose of pain medicine by pushing a button. So after a couple of hours, I got up every 20 min to administer pain medicine to him, so that he would not wake up in really bad pain!

At 6:00 this morning he had to change the "site" for his insulin pump, and the Nurse's Assistant was fascinated to watch him. He was wide awake by then and gave her a front row seat to how he could change the pump and reinject himself with the small needle into his stomach. During that time, I observed him talk to her about Jesus Christ, and find out that she was a Christian. He quoted some Scripture and pretty much had her encouraged for the day when she left the room!

A few minutes later his nurse came in and he also asked her if she was a Christian. In those predawn moments, I witnessed my dad encourage two ladies with his story and his obvious love for the Savior, plus give a lesson on how to reconnect an insulin pump. Ah, my dad! He does love people! They kept saying, "We need more patients like you, Mr. Lennon. You're just different."

My mom arrived rested about 10:00 this morning and I headed home, a little numb from lack of sleep and emotional strain from the past few days. I fell into the bed about 12:30 this afternoon and slept until 5:30. I did lament missing the beautiful sunny afternoon here in eastern North Carolina, but not enough to stay awake for it.

Jeff worked diligently around my parents' house today - fixing this, cleaning up that, and also helping to start the construction of a lift in my parents' garage. My dad already has an electric wheelchair scooter, and now we need to make sure that we get a lift in order for him to be able to get into the house. There are a few adjustments that will need to be made in the house, and I will stay down here this week in order to help my mom figure it all out.

Tonite dad asked me to read some Scripture to him. I read Isaiah 54 and 55, and we talked about the truths found in those two chapters. Afterwards, we had a great time of prayer, lifting up our family and this unknown future to the God whose ways are higher than ours! It is an immense pleasure to minister both spiritually and physically to my dad.

So now I am going to pull out this much improved hospital lounger and try to get some sleep. I am quite aware of the needs that a caregiver has to take care of herself in order to be effective for the tasks required of her. And as I listen to my earthly father sleeply soundly in his hospital bed beside me, I will curl up in my Heavenly Father's arms and do the same. HIS GRACE REMAINS SUFFICIENT!

A New Beginning

That's exactly how my dad is "choosing" to deal with this amputation of his last good leg. For several years now, he has had to be prudent and careful about any sore that would pop up on the foot or leg. About a month ago, this last rogue sore came up between two of his toes....and so it has come to this.

Though I know he was a little anxious and knows that it's going to not be an easy road physically or mentally, he does has peace that it is what God has for him. Somehow we all have to accept the fact that God KNOWS dad will bring more glory to Him THIS WAY than in the healing of his foot from the infection. There was not a doubt in my mind or heart that God could not have healed his foot - even overnight if He had chosen. I have seen divine, unexplained healing, especially in the life of my brother's when he struggled 27 years with a terminal kidney disease. So that's not the problem.

The problem is that this is not just a physical setback for my dad, but the resulting days, weeks, and months, will also be a struggle for my mom and me. With a full life and ministry, I will admit to you that I have wondered what will have to change in my life in order for me to be in "the right place" at the right time. Being an "only child" now (my brother went to heaven 8 years ago), I feel the acute responsibility and honor of that. There is not a bone in my body that doesn't want to care for my parents; however, they are not quite at the age of needing an tremendous amount of care yet. So, it is a dance of finding the right place, the right time, the right way to bless them - especially at this time.

He has been in surgery for almost an honor and my heart is just so full. God's peace and grace has been amazing - as it always is! But knowing things are changing as I write this is a little bit overwhelming, if I allow myself to think about it too much. It is another mountain to climb, but I am old enough to know that the most beautiful scenery is from the highest mountains. So, with God's help....I am up for the climb.

Walking an Unknown Road with an Known God

So in less than 12 hours my dad will go into the operating room and have his last good leg removed. How do I feel about that? I edge between being numb and feeling an immense sadness. I have always thought of my daddy as strong and full of life. I'm afraid that this will take away his dignity. But then I have to realize that my dad IS a strong man, full of life - whether he has his two legs or not. It's just a protective feeling that I'm having, I guess. A few months ago, when he was struggling with another sore on that same foot, I began to look ahead at the possibilities if he ever had to have that last leg removed. The only problem about looking that far ahead into an unknown situation, we really do not have a clue what will happen. We THINK we know, but we really don't. Building bridges before the waters rush in takes so much unnecessary energy.

But tomorrow the dam will break open and the waters will flow into our lives....the direction? I have no idea! The intensity? Don't know that either. My dad seems at peace with this decision (really it had come to a necessity more than a decision) and I was comforted by spending time with him at the hospital tonight and then a few minutes with my mom here at the house. They both have amazing faith and this time is not an exception.

Dad said as he was praying last night that he was asking God again for the hundredth time to please heal the foot completely. Then he said that he swerved into doubting if his faith was too small. God took him to II Corinthians 12 where God told Paul that "My grace is sufficient for you; my power is perfected in your weakness". Dad said that he felt God was asking him, "Don't you believe that you have as much faith as Paul?" Dad answered, No Way! But then God said, "But Paul had faith and asked three times for me to remove something physically trying to him - and I would not. So that I could show my strength in your weakness." Dad knew that God was giving him what he needed to do this hard thing. God will be glorified and be enough!

My mom, though physically not strong, is a rock spiritually and mentally. I will do what I can do take the physical off her as much as possible, but lean with her into the faith that holds us together as a family.

As much as I can, I will update this blog throughout this process. It is my desire that God show Himself in amazing ways! He started that with this trip when he allowed me to spend 15 glorious minutes with him watching a sunset on Lake Waccamaw!

I choose to let the Great Physician do His perfect work with my daddy in the morning. Just glad that I can be there to take it all in!

"Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties...for Christ's sake: for when I am weak then am I strong (in HIM)." II Corinthians 12:10