Life Behind Our Eyelids - Part 1

(The original blog post was written and posted in October 2006 on another blog site. I have abridged and revised it for posting here today)

After years of counseling and dealing with people of all ages, all walks of life, and in all kinds of situations, I have methodically come to a very disheartening conclusion. Actually I had never put into words what in my "gut" I knew; someone else did it for me.

As I was driving home for my daughter's volleyball game a few years ago, I was scanning through radio channels. Depression. With that word, I paused the scanning to listen. It was a voice that I had heard way back in the past. Back in my Bible college and early missionary years, we were often presented with the basic and foundational preaching of Dr. Lehman Strauss. It has been years since I have heard his name or thought about his penetrating preaching of God's word. His message was as timely as any I have ever heard on the subject of "depression".

Hear me loud and clear. I am clinical enough in my perceptions to realize, accept, and concur that some depressive behavior can be caused by chemical imbalances in a person's body left unchecked. I have seen that firsthand in Africa working with war victims, in my own family as we dealt with the long-term illness and subsequent death of my brother, and with others close to me that have dealt with sudden or latent reality of trauma or a life out of control. In effect, depression can be a result of the body's response to life as it comes to us. Chemically-induced or self-induced, the results are the same. Though I am not inclined to say that depression, in its purist form, is a disease; I do believe there are underlying physical and psychological results that can embed into the physical body in disease-like fashion.

I am no doctor nor ascribed psychologist, at least not with a piece of paper hanging on my wall. I will classify that right now, so you'll know there is no recognition, medical journal, or academic credit waiting at the end of this spill.

I am concerned for Christians who are caught up in the clinical diagnoses of depression without giving one whit of concern to the spiritual aspect (which is more our own responsibility). We have played into the hands of a societal way of thinking that our problems are someone else's fault. As Christians, this is not a biblical nor healthy outlook.

When we live our lives for "us" and only "us", we are men or women most miserable. When we concentrate on what comes our way or doesn't come our way, how people treat us or how they mistreat us, how we are understood or misunderstood, how life sends us rain or sunshine, and how we deserve so much more than is on our plate at a given moment -- it is a debilitating exercise that will naturally bring on depressive symptoms. Just this week I have counseled two twenty-something young women churning inside this kind of oppressive mindset. One is having trouble sleeping at night, cannot ever rest her mind or spirit, is precariously thin, and feels she has lost connection with her family in some sense. She has needed the encouragement from her parents, but because of their own intrinsic struggles, they have not been able to give any of this support to her.

So, this young lady is stuck in this vacuum of "self" - churning around in her heart, head, and soul, the inclination that she cannot control any part of her life because she does not have what she needs from others. While she has an outstanding philosophical knowledge of God and His Word, her personal relationship based on faith and grace is stilted and ineffective at this point.

The other young woman has been hit with the same thing. Her family support base is far away, so she has thrown the dice of her heart and well-being into the hands of friends in this city. When she faced an incredibly difficult family situation that shook her to her very core, instead of concentrating on God's grace, mercy, and power, she concentrated on what she was NOT receiving from her friends. After dwelling on this for quite some time, she made the blunt, but not unpredictable decision to break off all ties and find new friends, a new support base. (And thus the cycle of broken relationships because of disappointment will most likely continue in her life)

There is a time and place for that kind of action, but it is not the ultimate answer to any problem in life. The clear and harsh fact is that people will disappoint us, even those who are joined to us at the hip, so to speak. If who we are is all about how others treat us, what they say to us, what they do for us, how they hold us up and encourage us......then we are in serious trouble. Lehman Strauss, in his sermon on depression and the Christian, spoke of the self-centered nature of many depressed Christians; how it is difficult to see past how life/others have treated them. He, too, has counseled numerous Christians who succumbed to the belief that life had dealt unfairly with them. Anytime we dwell on the fair vs. the unfair, we will lose the reasoning battle. It is a dangerous and defeating place to dwell.

Both of these young women are experiencing varying degrees of depression. Instinctively, I do not believe that either of them are chemically imbalanced. Yes, the correct diet can help some, exercise can always help, and perhaps taking herbs and vitamins can diminish some of the symptoms of depression. Proper sleep habits is a given.

But, ultimately, we have to face up to the reality that there is no one on this earth who is completely responsible for us. However, there is hope. God paid the price through the giving of His Son to the death of the cross more than 2000 years ago to prove that He, and He alone, is willing and totally able to take responsibility of us: body, soul, and spirit.

In essence, the penalty of living an "all about me" life is constant pain, loneliness, and disillusionment with those around us. When we refocus our eyes on God, our Heavenly Father, and His desire to make us complete through His Son (Colossians 1:18), it is a step in the right direction. Focusing extrinsically on others is a healing balm like none other. Dwelling on the amazing beauty found in this earth is like fresh, cool water to a dry throat. Looking outward and upward is the key to stepping out of the pothole of disenchantment with life as we see it from our inner eyelids.

Let's open our eyes and step into the Light.

Does 2 Years of Grandmothering Make Me a Veteran Granny?

Today Layna turns 2. The strange thing about that is I can vividly remember how just a few years ago - Layna's mommy was two! How can time be so fleeting? But it stops for no one....not even for grandmothers.

Simply put, even in the midst of a full and busy life, I know that I have the pleasure and privilege TO TAKE TIME with my granddaughter. When we have our Layna-Noni days - usually on Fridays, I have no other agenda but to enjoy Layna. The dishes pile up in the sink. The laundry remains in its piles on the floor. Toilets don't get scrubbed. And if I go to a store, it is to buy a toy and nothing else. That is the privilege of being a grandparent. Her basic needs are taken care of by her amazing parents, Michelle and Frank. I simply get to laugh, kiss, play, sing, snuggle, giggle, swing, and walk with little Layna. God is a MASTER ENGINEER in this thing called life! Being a parent is one of the highest and most rewarding callings that I know and I am blessed by the most incredible daughters ever born! But a grandparent? I am not sure that I can even define what was in God's mind when He designed the strategic tier of family. But I like it. I like it a lot! Grandparents surely add the icing to the top of the yummy cake. We are the jelly in a peanut butter sandwich. We are the white stuff in the middle of the oreo. We are the extra change found in a pocket of jeans. We are the old, well-used tattered blanket that brings so much comfort into a child's world.

So, today, I will celebrate Layna - being sure to thank God for the blessings that she has brought into my life for these two very short years! She opened a door in my heart that I never knew was there. She flung it wide open with her first beautiful breath and it can never ever close again. It stands opened, ready, and waiting for the next one and the one after that and the fourth, the fifth...and will not be satisfied until it has welcomed all the precious, amazing creatures deemed to be my grandchildren!!!

Ah, Layna! You've taught me so much in your two short years. Reminding me that some of the most important things are the little things like dancing a jig, making up a silly song, crawling around on the floor, eating outside on a blanket, taking a walk to get the mail, listening to your breathing as you sleep. Let's keep learning and laughing and loving and...yes, even breaking the rules! :)

I can't wait until Friday and another Layna-Noni day to enjoy!

Happy birthday, my sweet sweet girl!

Six Months After My Dad's Surgery

I was just down with my parents a few days ago and was just amazed at my dad. If you have followed my blog at all, you know that he had his second leg amputated in March because of infection (from diabetes). When the news came that he would need to have his last good leg amputated, I must admit that it made me very anxious for several reasons. Would he be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life? Would he be strong enough (mentally and physically) to rise to the challenge of rehab? How would my mom do through this transition? What would be my role?

I am the daughter of two very incredible parents. Both early into their seventies, they are still vital, strong, passionate, fun-loving, up-to-the-challenge people, continuing to live out the deep faith they have in their Savior. And they live it out in breathtaking color!

Six months after his surgery, my dad is walking on his own, though he has had a setback with an infected place on his leg - preventing him from walking directly for a couple of months. But now the sore has healed and his wheelchair is somewhat buried underneath his walker in the trunk of his car. I went with him to a doctor’s appointment the other day and even in the pouring rain, he stepped out of the car, walked up a slightly sloped ramp, and into the office. When he is at home, he likes to show off, displaying his ability to walk even without his walker, though he does not push it too far.

My mom has kept her sense of humor through this and they seem to have grown closer (if that is possible after 53 years of marriage) in spite of the unique challenges that have beset them. They inspire me every time I am able to spend time with them. They reach out to others, make time for family and friends, and continue to love jaunts to their mountain cabin.

Having had two knee surgeries before the age of 20 and even now struggle with osteoarthritis in both knees, I know that knee replacement is most likely in my future - though I do hope farther away than ever! When that time comes and the dynamics of my life changes, I will choose to act on the inspiration that I have seen in the lives of these two incredible people that I am absolutely blessed to call my parents!! ROCK ON, Bob and Geri! Walk on, live on, laugh on, love on!

Stepping Aside

Last night I came back to Charlotte after 11 days with my parents. Today I find myself experiencing quite a "disconnect" from my house, from my obligations, from pretty much everything - which I imagine is normal under the circumstances. The world according to hospital can be very absorbing and acclimating back to the real world can take a little effort!

Since I wrote last, dad has completed four more days of rehab. He is able to even get in the shower now, which felt quite good to him, I'm sure! Yesterday, Sunday, he actually came home for a little while. Mom went down and picked him up around noon, had to sign her life away to get him out, and then brought him to their house. I cooked lunch, Michelle helped me clean up, and Jeff was putting the finishing touches on the brand new, one-of-a-kind lift that dad's brother built for him. What a blessing! So, we clapped and watched as dad maneuvered into his electric wheelchair and was lifted into the house. At first, he still had that "been in the hospital" too long gaze, but as he and Jeff went around the house looking for problem areas and learning to get around on that wheelchair, he warmed up and relaxed. He even was able to slide onto his bed - and said he wished he could have stayed there! :) Jeff did take off two doors going into their bathroom which will make it easier for him to get around that room.

We had a nice lunch with a warm breeze blowing off Lennon Lake and just enjoyed being together as family! It did my heart good to see him do so well around the house, and it was mainly because of that, I decided that I would not come back down this week, but would instead go with Jeff to a missions conference in Virginia. I had been struggling with what to do about this week when dad would be released from rehab. Should I be there with them or not?

Mom took dad back to rehab about 4:00 p.m., and the rest of us started cleaning up and packing up for our trip back to Charlotte. I was the last one out of the house and just took a minute to walk around praying for my mom, for God to give her supernatural strength and grace for the days to come, and for my dad that God would keep his mind renewed and stayed on Him, and give him the physical strength to maintain a good quality lifestyle after he came home. Tears ran down my cheek as I walked around the home of my parents, and I experienced a momentary twinge of guilt for leaving them. But, I know, too, that is a normal feeling. Many of my friends have told me of their stories about caring for parents and all the emotions that are embedded into that care.

So, I have stepped aside for now. Back to the ministry to which I was called many years ago - when my parents were young and healthy. Now, they are older, but not helpless. They have not come to the point where they need my constant care....though they love how I am able to pop in for days at a time and do just that! So until that time when it becomes evident they need that constancy of care, I will continue asking God to give me great wisdom as to when I go and stay with them and when I step aside.

I am so proud of my dad for his endurance and hard work - and the testimony he has been to many! My mom is an amazing lady with a very strong faith though physically she struggles. I believe that God will empower both of them with exactly what they need for this week and the following ones!

Your prayers and encouragement has been wonderful these past two weeks. These days have taken a physical and emotional toll on me that I am just now assessing. I do ask that you continue to pray for all of us. Now, I need to make a phone call and see how my sweet parents are doing......

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my vision O Lord of my heart....naught be all else to me save that Thy art. Thy my best thought by day or by night...waking or sleeping Thy presence - my life!!!


After 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep, my mind and body feels stronger today. Fatigue can play tricks on us - we all know that. It is why I always counsel anyone that seems beaten physically down with exhaustion not to make any big decisions and certainly not to act on the way they are feeling! Exhaustion is a bad place to be anytime, but when you are a caretaker to someone who needs positive reinforcement and encouragement, it is mandatory that you be on top of your game!

Just talked to my dad and he sounded tired, but good after his first rehab session. Said that he did not sleep very well last night. He won't say it, but we have all had those times in the middle of the night when it's just us and God and our deepest thoughts. As hard as I would like to protect him from those times and just stay with him every night, I know that he must have them and he must feel the powerful ministering hand of His Heavenly Father - alone. Before I left him last night, I walked down to the little chapel and struggled with the Lord about that. I could tell he wished I would stay just to be there to push the button, help him when nature calls, etc.... I wanted to but I distinctly heard God tell me to leave my daddy in His hands. Do you trust me, Kim? Remember in Africa when he had knee replacement surgery and you couldn't be here? Remember your struggles in giving him over to me? When you asked that I enable the surgeon to do the very best surgery he had ever done. And I did that. Remember?

I did remember and was again overwhelmed at God's amazing faithfulness to me at that time. So, I kissed my daddy, reminded him that this is a new beginning, that he no longer has to worry about infection in that old foot. We both smiled and I slipped out of his room. Then I came home to spend some sweet time with my mom and then I was asleep by 10:30 (which is amazing for me!)

One funny thing happened yesterday - or at least, my mom chooses to look at it as funny and not dwell on the sadness of it. She went shopping yesterday morning to buy my dad some workout clothes for rehab. Gym shorts and tee shirts. On the list was also "non-skid socks" and she said that she was actually heading toward the sock section when it hit her: He doesn't need those. And then she said that she laughed outloud! Wow! What an amazing woman to just soak in the joy of the Lord at a time like that.

I was reminded by a friend this morning that has many trials of her own that there is not a prerequisite of having two good feet in order to be the feet of Jesus to the world who desperately needs HIM. Oh, that is so true! My dad will continue to be a light, the aroma of God, and will exude the hope of His Savior!

Though my flesh still struggles with seeing the reality of disease and suffering and knowing that the world we knew before as the Lennon family has changed drastically, the greater Truth is that God's ways ARE higher....and amazing...and good....and powerful....and HE IS ABLE to keep my dad, to sustain him, to strengthen him to do the things that I (my flesh) wonder if he'll be able to physically do at his age. But God and Bob together are a powerful force!! Not because of anything Bob can do, but simply because he has chosen to take God out of the box and let HIM BE VERY BIG!!!

So my dad, my mom, and I all choose to allow Him to continue to be our "best thought by day or by night"!

Praise Him! His presence fills our lives! How about yours?

Reality, Hard Work, and a Big Dose of Grace

Today was the fourth day into this newest challenge in our lives - and by far, the hardest in a lot of ways. I have actually hit a wall tonite, so this blog will not be long. Hopefully after getting my dad moved to rehab tomorrow, I will have more time and energy to relate some of the things that have been going on around me and inside my heart.

Thankfully when the doctor came in this morning (I had stayed with dad for the third night straight), and checked the stitches, it seems to be healing well with no redness or infection. That is a praise!

There is a part of dad that is so glad that he does not have to worry about sores, infections, and a diseased foot anymore. But though he hasn't said anything, I know that he is also thinking of how different it is without either foot. Admittedly, to see my dad laying in the bed with two numbs, instead of feet, has been hard. More than anything, I, as his daughter, want to preserve his dignity. Being with him the last few days and being a primary caretaker, I have tried to keep him covered, properly presented, and as dignified as someone can look while sitting in a hospital bed wearing a hospital gown.

Last night, we both slept from about 11:30 until 3:00 a.m. when something woke me up! I decided that I would give my dad some water and see how he was doing. When I touched him, he was wringing wet (I am not exaggerating). Quickly we checked his blood sugar and it had plunged to 49. My dad uses an insulin pump that maintains a constant flow of insulin to his body - even while he sleeps if he does not suspend it. His diet in the hospital has been very little carbs, so he really does not need all that insulin, especially at night. It took us from 3 - 5 a.m. to make sure his sugar went over 100. That was a little disturbing as we realized that this has happened more than once this week and then quite often at home. He simply MUST be convinced to suspend his insulin pump at night. I was just glad that I woke up and checked him when I did. God is good.....

Today was a frustrating day and a physically overwhelming one for him. Not having the correct equipment and staff to know how to tell him to transfer from his bed to a wheelchair, dad worked so hard with no results. He finally fell back in bed and did not even want to eat his breakfast. He slept some and just seemed discouraged. But though I knew he was frustrated, maybe embarrassed, and discouraged, he kept trying to smile - and he never said an unkind word to anyone. After a couple of hours and with the help of an occupational therapist and a better system of transferring himself, he made it! He sat in the wheelchair for a little while. By the time his lunch came, he seemed ravenous and ate very well!

I came back my parents' house by 4:00 p.m. to try and get some sleep. I might have slept a couple of hours, but was simply too exhausted to rest well. After spending some time here at the house with my mom, I called my dad at the hospital and talked to him about whether he was expecting me to come and stay the night with him again. Of course, he would love to have me there, but I explained that I felt I needed to get a little more sleep. Promising to be there bright and early at 7:00 with a cup of coffee for both of us, he seemed fine. I made him promise to turn his insulin pump off tonite though I believe, after last night, the nurse will be more diligent to check him because they documented his "bottoming out" incident of last night in his chart. So, I am leaving him in the hands of our Heavenly Father....and will try to get some sleep.

Most likely, down the road, I will have my time when I fully comprehend all the emotions that I am dealing with this week. But not right now. Every ounce of energy must be put into care and support and encouragement for both my parents. Jeff left this morning to take care of some stuff at my parents' mountain house near Blowing Rock. I miss him so much. It was such a blessing to have him, Lauren, and her boyfriend Ben with me this weekend. They were all so helpful in making me not feel so "alone" in the task of caring for my parents and the things that need to be done. Now, that they are all gone for the week, I am trying to keep a good perspective.

Isaiah 26 has been the chapter I have gleaned from over and over the past couple of days. Verse 3 says, "The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You." Such profound truths at a time like this!

My dad and mom both willpower, stamina, and determination to make the best of this daunting situation and to also maintain a powerful testimony for their Savior to all who know them. They are well established in this walk of faith because of the 27 years of living out the intensity of having a terminal ill son. This is but another step in this thing called "walking by faith"!

It is times like these when TRUTH must prevail - not our feelings. A steadfast belief in the promises God gives us. NO MATTER what is going on around us.

I choose to sleep with those truths tonite.....and wake up to live them out!

God's Ways are Higher - Isaiah 55

It has been quite a ride the past 36 hours. It's midnight, the second night after my dad's surgery and I am sitting in his hospital room listening to him sleeping.

Surgery was quick and it took all I had to not think about what they were doing in that operating room! Losing a limb is a pretty severe thing, but dad has a cousin who visited him today that has terminal cancer - and dad said that he would much rather lose a limb than going through what his cousin is experiencing. All in the perspective we have about our lives, I guess.

Dad evidently has a pretty high pain tolerance because I just never saw him in agony as I imagined that he would be. Of course, pain management has become so much more effective than it used to be. He has been trooper so far. His outlook on life is so positive and he chooses to look at the possibilities instead of the limitations.

Last night was a long night, as you may well know if you have ever stayed with someone who had just gotten out of surgery. It is always wise for a family member to stay especially the first night after surgery. There's so many things that can go wrong, there's so many things they can help the loved one do, and if you are one that counts on hospital staff to do everything for you...you will have a rude awakening. (Now for all my friends that work as nurses and such at hospitals, you know that you are the "exception" to the rule ;)

The lounge chair that I had last night needs to be thrown in a dumpster somewhere. It was malfunctioning and because of that, I really got a workout the many times I had to get up to care for dad during the night. I wrestled and wrestled with that chair until I was exhausted. Dad slept almost 3 1/2 hours straight at one point during the night, and I was so thankful for that! The only downside was that he was on one of those pain pumps where you give yourself a dose of pain medicine by pushing a button. So after a couple of hours, I got up every 20 min to administer pain medicine to him, so that he would not wake up in really bad pain!

At 6:00 this morning he had to change the "site" for his insulin pump, and the Nurse's Assistant was fascinated to watch him. He was wide awake by then and gave her a front row seat to how he could change the pump and reinject himself with the small needle into his stomach. During that time, I observed him talk to her about Jesus Christ, and find out that she was a Christian. He quoted some Scripture and pretty much had her encouraged for the day when she left the room!

A few minutes later his nurse came in and he also asked her if she was a Christian. In those predawn moments, I witnessed my dad encourage two ladies with his story and his obvious love for the Savior, plus give a lesson on how to reconnect an insulin pump. Ah, my dad! He does love people! They kept saying, "We need more patients like you, Mr. Lennon. You're just different."

My mom arrived rested about 10:00 this morning and I headed home, a little numb from lack of sleep and emotional strain from the past few days. I fell into the bed about 12:30 this afternoon and slept until 5:30. I did lament missing the beautiful sunny afternoon here in eastern North Carolina, but not enough to stay awake for it.

Jeff worked diligently around my parents' house today - fixing this, cleaning up that, and also helping to start the construction of a lift in my parents' garage. My dad already has an electric wheelchair scooter, and now we need to make sure that we get a lift in order for him to be able to get into the house. There are a few adjustments that will need to be made in the house, and I will stay down here this week in order to help my mom figure it all out.

Tonite dad asked me to read some Scripture to him. I read Isaiah 54 and 55, and we talked about the truths found in those two chapters. Afterwards, we had a great time of prayer, lifting up our family and this unknown future to the God whose ways are higher than ours! It is an immense pleasure to minister both spiritually and physically to my dad.

So now I am going to pull out this much improved hospital lounger and try to get some sleep. I am quite aware of the needs that a caregiver has to take care of herself in order to be effective for the tasks required of her. And as I listen to my earthly father sleeply soundly in his hospital bed beside me, I will curl up in my Heavenly Father's arms and do the same. HIS GRACE REMAINS SUFFICIENT!

A New Beginning

That's exactly how my dad is "choosing" to deal with this amputation of his last good leg. For several years now, he has had to be prudent and careful about any sore that would pop up on the foot or leg. About a month ago, this last rogue sore came up between two of his toes....and so it has come to this.

Though I know he was a little anxious and knows that it's going to not be an easy road physically or mentally, he does has peace that it is what God has for him. Somehow we all have to accept the fact that God KNOWS dad will bring more glory to Him THIS WAY than in the healing of his foot from the infection. There was not a doubt in my mind or heart that God could not have healed his foot - even overnight if He had chosen. I have seen divine, unexplained healing, especially in the life of my brother's when he struggled 27 years with a terminal kidney disease. So that's not the problem.

The problem is that this is not just a physical setback for my dad, but the resulting days, weeks, and months, will also be a struggle for my mom and me. With a full life and ministry, I will admit to you that I have wondered what will have to change in my life in order for me to be in "the right place" at the right time. Being an "only child" now (my brother went to heaven 8 years ago), I feel the acute responsibility and honor of that. There is not a bone in my body that doesn't want to care for my parents; however, they are not quite at the age of needing an tremendous amount of care yet. So, it is a dance of finding the right place, the right time, the right way to bless them - especially at this time.

He has been in surgery for almost an honor and my heart is just so full. God's peace and grace has been amazing - as it always is! But knowing things are changing as I write this is a little bit overwhelming, if I allow myself to think about it too much. It is another mountain to climb, but I am old enough to know that the most beautiful scenery is from the highest mountains. So, with God's help....I am up for the climb.

Walking an Unknown Road with an Known God

So in less than 12 hours my dad will go into the operating room and have his last good leg removed. How do I feel about that? I edge between being numb and feeling an immense sadness. I have always thought of my daddy as strong and full of life. I'm afraid that this will take away his dignity. But then I have to realize that my dad IS a strong man, full of life - whether he has his two legs or not. It's just a protective feeling that I'm having, I guess. A few months ago, when he was struggling with another sore on that same foot, I began to look ahead at the possibilities if he ever had to have that last leg removed. The only problem about looking that far ahead into an unknown situation, we really do not have a clue what will happen. We THINK we know, but we really don't. Building bridges before the waters rush in takes so much unnecessary energy.

But tomorrow the dam will break open and the waters will flow into our lives....the direction? I have no idea! The intensity? Don't know that either. My dad seems at peace with this decision (really it had come to a necessity more than a decision) and I was comforted by spending time with him at the hospital tonight and then a few minutes with my mom here at the house. They both have amazing faith and this time is not an exception.

Dad said as he was praying last night that he was asking God again for the hundredth time to please heal the foot completely. Then he said that he swerved into doubting if his faith was too small. God took him to II Corinthians 12 where God told Paul that "My grace is sufficient for you; my power is perfected in your weakness". Dad said that he felt God was asking him, "Don't you believe that you have as much faith as Paul?" Dad answered, No Way! But then God said, "But Paul had faith and asked three times for me to remove something physically trying to him - and I would not. So that I could show my strength in your weakness." Dad knew that God was giving him what he needed to do this hard thing. God will be glorified and be enough!

My mom, though physically not strong, is a rock spiritually and mentally. I will do what I can do take the physical off her as much as possible, but lean with her into the faith that holds us together as a family.

As much as I can, I will update this blog throughout this process. It is my desire that God show Himself in amazing ways! He started that with this trip when he allowed me to spend 15 glorious minutes with him watching a sunset on Lake Waccamaw!

I choose to let the Great Physician do His perfect work with my daddy in the morning. Just glad that I can be there to take it all in!

"Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties...for Christ's sake: for when I am weak then am I strong (in HIM)." II Corinthians 12:10

A Thousand Tomorrows.....

Tomorrow (July 3) my daughter Lauren will turn 18. She is our youngest and with this "rite of passage" comes another poignant moment of nostalgia for me. Where did those years go? Did I live them well? Did I always speak to her the way Christ would have me to? Did I guide her and advise her correctly? Of course, because I am human, I definitely cannot answer YES completely. But I am thankful for God's grace - for Lauren's sake and for my sake.

Now we watch her fly. Even though she will be living at home for this year and attending community college - things will never be the same. She is exploring, stepping out, making new friends, and making many many more of her own decisions. Did I prepare her well enough? Will she do it right? I am praying so, but I know that she is human just like her mom is human. A wise lady today just pointed at her knees when I was asking her how she did with her daughter's exploratory years. The knees....ah, yes! Great idea!

So, my desire today is that I will take the next thousand tomorrows and beyond - and remember that getting on my knees is perhaps the very best thing I can continue to do for Lauren. Most of the other duties as her mother are finished, but interceding for her in prayer will (and should) NEVER cease!

Disappointment in the Jury Assembly Room

Well, so much for my noble, romantic plans to "save the world" to "make a different" in local legislation, to "impact 11 other people in the jury room". I simple sat and waited for my name to be called for 8 solid hours! Out of 132 people, there were twenty-seven names that were never called - and mine was one of them. So around 4:00 p.m., they released us all to go home - and because we had not been called, we would not be required to return. I have "done my duty" for the next two years.

So, I have no dramatic story to tell about jury duty. Period.

My Day in Court

As I sit here in this comfortable lounge in the Juror Assembly Room (which is actually a suite of almost a dozen different rooms) - air condition, televisions, plush chairs, business amenities, wireless availability, and a snack room - I wonder how different it must have been for potential jurors 50 years ago; even just 25 years ago when I was in high school. In one part of our introduction this morning, it was cited that a juror survey was taken about 4-5 years ago to help the court system better make this a "pleasant" experience for those of us called in to serve.

In my opinion, IF you are even just a decent American, you would be grateful to be able to give back - certainly not to a system that is without its faults, but to a system that is foundational to who we are as a nation. For me, the adventurer at heart, I am thrilled to be able to come inside this sacred assembly room - that, from where I'm sitting, looks more like a hotel lobby with breakfast bar. I am hoping that I will be chosen to sit on a jury and become part of the process that makes our judicial system like none other in the world.

However, fifty years ago, perhaps there was no air conditioning in the high ceiling, formal rooms that would have held potential jurors. There was no television broadcasting "The Golden Girls" or a hand-picked movie (but absolutely NO news of any kind). How exciting to think that I am actually living out a process of justice and balance in my spectacular state.

So stay tune for the continual episode of "Kim in the Jury Room"

On Becoming a Grandmother for the First Time

My head is practically spinning from all the "firsts" and "lasts" in my life right now! And, of course, there is the dynamic of the "firsts" and "lasts" that I don't even know about as I write this! There are a few "firsts" that I wish never to experience - if God would for me not to experience them: I've never had a broken bone, I've never been in a car accident (except the kind that happens in your own driveway with another car that you own), and I've never lost a parent. Those are "firsts" that anyone would want to live without!

Between October 19 - 24 of this year, there will be a first taking place in my life unlike any other - as I am hearing from "veteran" grandparents. My oldest daughter, Michelle, is 23 weeks pregnant with her own baby daughter! I remember looking at my daughters when they were younger and wondering what kind of mothers they would be one day. It seemed so far away at the time, but now....well, I can hardly absorb it! I find myself thinking about Christmas and the presence of a little two month old cooing somewhere under the Christmas tree (okay, that was sappy, but really! how cute would that be!) I think of next spring taking her, her mama, and her two proud, excited aunties to stroll down the streets of New York for a few days! I think of having my husband pull out the Jenny Lind crib which all three of our daughters slept in as babies, purchasing a new mattress, and setting up my own "Noni Nursery". I already have a rocking chair, will need a few more things for the nursery (sounds like I am planning on keeping her quite a bit, huh?)

Honestly, though, looking back over the years with my own grandmother, it is not the things that I will be able to give her that will be memorable and powerful in Layna's life- it is the gift of my time and my love: pure and simple. My grandmother took time with me. She took us places, cooked for us, talked with us, met our high school sweethearts, held us when we cried, and oohed and ahhed over every single messy picture we drew her.....she was embedded in my life up to the time she died in 2000.

My Grandma Horrell set the bar high and I choose to follow in her footsteps for my own grandchildren. So, whatever this new "role" in my life holds for me, Noni is ready and willing!! I'm not sure I've ever met this Noni that I'm becoming, but I'm pretty sure that I'll like her and will enjoy watching her grow into her role - almost as much as I watch my daughter grown into her role as a first time mother!

The Last Fifteen of the First 50

In 15 minutes, I will enter a new decade - and not just that, I will begin living the second half of a century! A writer I am, but even despite that, I am finding it very hard to even put into words what I am feeling of this. Part of me just thinks there is way too much emphasis put on numbers. 50 is just a number just as 49 is a number. It's not really a big deal in the scheme of things.

But, realistically, though I do understand that our lives are like a vapor, according to our Heavenly Father, 50 years seems much more like the whole kettle of vapor! I am amazed that God would allow me 50 years on this sin-riddled, but still extraordinarily incredible earth! For almost 27 of these years, I have been married to one of the most amazing men to ever be born. I have mothered 3 breathtakingly beautiful and fantastic daughters - been able to watch them all grow up and graduate from high school (the last one graduated exactly 2 weeks ago). My oldest daughter has married a wonderful young man and in four short months, they will bless me with my first grandchild.

I'm thinking that me turning 50 really is probably one of the best things that ever happened to me! The experiences I have had, the life I have lived, the blessings I have enjoyed, the pain and heartache that has strengthened me to my core like nothing else....all these things take time. But time and the use of the time given us is what ultimately defines us and what we will live behind one day.

8 minutes to go and I just have to say that I absolutely LOVED the 40's. You've all read those emails about each decade and the things that we learn through each of them. I will have to vouch to the validity of them - at least to the 5th decade. While we are young and seemingly invincible going into our second decade, we really know absolutely nothing about life. I would never want to live the 20's over again, except to replay my wedding and holding my two daughters that were born when I was 25 and 28. The 30's is a decade of revelation, exploration, and a heap of mistakes. When we are in our thirties, we start to think that we know so much about life and have lived enough that we start looking at those younger than us and assume that we can guide them along the way. We become confident in life - but then those kids that we had in our second decade start to get older and then we find out that we don't really know anything at all.

My opinion is that being the parent of a teenager is the antidote to the cocky, falsely confident years of our 30's. We enter our 40's with a hint of nostalgia, the big hoopla of friends, and the realization that time is quickly moving on. But within that 10 year span of time, live really is lived and a philosophy of love, commitment, and purpose is grooved into our souls.

In 2 minutes I will turn 50. But inside, I do not feel the numbers - I feel the experience of living. My spirit is still young and I would imagine, always will be! I, frankly, am not afraid of this turning of the tide!

IT'S HERE! I made it - and I want so to thank my Creator for the blessings and the life lessons that has brought me this far. I am absolutely ecstatic about this next decade! Bring it on! I am ready! For I know the ONE who is already there......

HAPPY 50TH, Me!!!!

First Phase Completely Finished

For a couple of months now, I have been wanting to write about these huge changes that are taking place in my life. Either because of a lack of words, no motivation, feeling completely overwhelmed and emotional, or all of the above, it has not happened. Lauren's senior year went by without scarcely a word being penned. It felt to me if I would have tried that they would have seemed morbid, familiar, boring, and redundant after a while. So, I opted for none at all.

Exactly a week after my youngest one graduated from high school, I find myself still extremely weary and even a little numb from it all. How are you supposed to feel when your child-rearing days are completely over? When you drive on campus the day after her last day at school and you realize you are looking for her car - wondering if she was late for her class? Then you realize....no, you will never need to wonder that again. You will never see her car parked in that familiar spot again. You will never pay another sports fee, you will never go to another soccer game anticipating the "game of her life" (and in your eyes, every one of them - are). You will never have to hear about the drama of high school friendships and "first loves" gone bad. You will never send a check to the cafeteria to pay her lunch bill or send a teacher a note again explaining about a sickness that has kept her away from school. You will never wash school uniforms or move a scattered backpack containing the mysteries of Human Anatomy or Romeo and Juliet.

Those days are gone forever. Never can you regain them. Never can you recall them to do them over, to try a little harder or spend a little more time talking in the car as you take your junior higher to school. It's done - and how you did it and with what attitude you did it - is gone with the turning of the tassle. The tassle turned from the right to the left seems a simple act, but with it comes the shifting of responsibility, accountability, and accessibility.

When I watched her hand touch the tassle and innocently (and excitedly) turn it to the left, I felt my own shifting of a sorts. A shifting away from motherhood as I had known it. The proactive, passionate mother who hardly ever missed a ballgame and attended every single performance of the school play. A mother who brought to school the lunch she had left in the frig or the guitar she needed for practice. The mother who went home to retrieve the camera for the capturing of precious memories and ran to the store to pick up the class party snacks. The maddening mother who called and emailed teachers and coaches when she did not feel her child had gotten her "just deserves". I was that kind of mother and I have absolutely no regrets.

I have a friend who has only one child and I thought of her often as she experienced complete menagerie of emotions her daughter's senior year. It was both her first and last of everything having to do with high school - all in one short, emotional year. I, at least, had already experienced the first child doing this exact thing six years ago. This oldest daughter is now married and only a few months away from experiencing motherhood for the first time. So, I know and have pleasantly experienced that there is definitely life after the high school years. Good years - different, true - but good all the same.

The innocence of childhood long gone, the graduated, young women in my life are discovering so much about themselves, about their father and me, and about life. And I'm liking that I am there to enjoy it.

So, first phase finished. Memories galores - absolutely no regrets! Onward to the second phase! I have a feeling it will be the absolute best...just as the first was!

Transplanted Love - Part 2

Sitting in a hospital waiting room - when someone you love and care about is behind those doors somewhere - is perhaps one of the most maddening things a human has to endure! We love to be in control (or at least THINK we are) and when someone is wheeled into an operating room with a doctor and his team, the last bit of reserve we might possess just disappears into thin air! My brother had at least a dozen surgeries between the time he was 13 and 16 (prior to his kidney transplant). I had sit in the waiting room with my parents and numerous friends and family for all of those surgeries. None of them were ever easy; though some of them were memorable (for another post down the road).

On a side note, I think one of the most practical thing anyone has ever done for us while we were "living" in a waiting room was my Uncle Jimmy. One day he had come down to visit with us and my brother, and before he left, he emptied his pocket of all his loose change and encouraged those in the room to do the same. Before long, we had at least $20 in change that could be easily and readily used for the hungry vending machines! I have never forgotten that. People have come in and said all kind of things in order to comfort us and show us that they cared. They preached, prayed, cried, read scripture, and expounded on their philosophy of suffering. None of those really moved me more than just someone's "presence" - sitting quietly beside me - or that gesture of emptying of the pockets to make sure we had enough change to get us through the hours and hours and hours of sitting and waiting and hoping. To me it's a modern day rendition of the commandment, "If someone thirsts, and you give them a cup of cold water, you do it in Jesus' name." Giving me change so that I could buy that cold water (or Sundrop :) is the same thing to me!!

As hard as it always was when we waited for my brother to have surgery, the day of my brother's kidney transplant - with a kidney taken from my mother - was the longest and hardest day of my life (up until a few experiences I had as a missionary in Africa). Not only was my brother wheeled away on a sterile white stretcher but also was my precious mom. In order for this "live" (meaning that the donor was a person still alive, instead of someone who had died and had donated his organ) transplantation, my brother was put in one operating room and right next to him (in another operating room) would be my mother. I have no other siblings, so there I sat with my dad and at least two dozen other people. Waiting. Waiting. Smelling the staleness of hospital air. Hearing the talking, but not comprehending. Breathing, but not really using the air. Waiting.

If you know me at all, you'll be surprised when I tell you that I literally sat for six hours and said not a word. One of my "second" daddies sat beside me most of the time and kept patting my leg, bringing me something to drink, but seeming to understand that I could simply not have eaten a bite. It was so long. I thought I would go mad with the thought of it. I remember going back and forth in my mind with the craziest thoughts: who would I want to die if I had to choose? What IF the doctors came out and said that they both had died while in surgery? What IF my brother died anyway - after my mother had done this amazing thing for him? What IF my mother died while giving a kidney but my brother were to live? Could my brother endure life without her and no blame himself? Would I blame him? It's absolutely amazing the thing the human mind can conjure up when put under stress. The scenarios we imagine, the bridges we build, the monsters we devise. It's sad but true that those are the times when every single Bible verse we may have memorized simply dissipates into the stale, antiseptic air we breath in those waiting rooms.

Where is the trust? Where is the realization that God is the ultimate authority - even in those operating room? Why can we not rest in that truth? Ah, the human-ness of us!!

Transplanted Love - Part 1

I don't even remember how I found out about this guy's blog, but I check in on it every couple of weeks or so. http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/ His pregnant wife was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, chose to have the baby against the odds and with much risk, and since then, the baby girl has been born, and the wife is on an active transplant list for a double lung transplant. When I first started reading this blog, things were bleak. God has done amazing things - day by day, step by step.

One thing I found myself doing was thinking about how tired this guy must be. Months of living in a hospital, carrying the weight of his wife's situation and now a baby girl - he must be incredibly tired. Oftentimes the caretakers are overlooked, not on purpose, but just because the trauma and care given to the one terminally ill outweighs everything else.

But I have been there. Not as a spouse or even as a parent, but as a sibling. When I was 16 years old, my younger brother (who was 13) was diagnosed with a terminal kidney disease. Day by day, week by week, month by month, I walked it, heard it, prayed it, saw it, smelled it, screamed it, cried it - with my parents and my brother. Looking back, I was the overlooked one. I do not say this to bring a negative light on my parents or others, because they could have done no better. My Christian walk was not strong enough within itself to help me stand firm on my own. I just had not learned to do that nor was I, honestly, in spiritual shape to do so. Living far from God and most of the time, in rebellion against my parents, I know that I must have added a layer of pain and distress to my parents that I could not have imagined then. (But oh, after being the mother of three daughters - oh, I know so well that layer!)

During my senior year in high school, it was evident that my brother would need a kidney transplant. Standard procedure is that immediate family - if they are willing - would be tested to see if they were a close enough match to share one of their kidneys. My dad, mom, and I all were tested at Duke Medical Center. Out of the three, I matched the closest to my brother. However, after some deliberation, my parents decided that it would not be a good idea for me (being so young and getting ready to start college) to donate one of my kidneys. I remember being so very disappointed and angry at my parents from keeping me from doing this one important thing for my brother. Now, in hindsight, I can understand their concern about having both of their children in surgery at the same time and then worrying about any future problems with me.

So, after a rocky and extremely laborious time, I conceded (there was nothing else I could have done anyway - I was only 17 years old - and could not have signed the consent forms for myself). My mother then stepped forward to give my brother one of her kidneys. Literally giving life back to him for the second time.

On the eve of my freshman year of college, we moved to a short-term apartment in Durham while my mother and my brother went through the last phase of testing and preparation for the "live" kidney transplantation.

We All Have the Right To Be Beautiful

Earlier today I heard an commercial on the radio about a website called "Doctorssayyes.com". There was a quote that really struck a chord with me. "We all have the right to be beautiful" To a Christian, that quote should bother us in many ways. It says to me, "God can make mistakes, and if He has done so with your looks, we're here to fix it." It says, "No one has the right to tell me how I should look. That is my prerogative as a human." It says, "My looks are everything that I am. I must speak loudly with my looks. There's nothing else to me." It says, "I was born in this world for it to be all about me."

Oh, I could go on and on with the interpretations, but I think you get my drift. That whole commercial just made me sad. In Psalms 39:11, it says, " When with rebukes You correct man for iniquity, You make his beauty melt away like a moth;
Surely every man is vapor." Physical beauty is just that: temporal and fading.

Psalms 49:10-14 says, This is the way of those who are foolish,
And of their posterity who approve their sayings. Selah
Like sheep they are laid in the grave;
Death shall feed on them;
The upright shall have dominion over them in the morning;
And their beauty shall be consumed in the grave, far from their dwelling. People spent thousands and thousands of dollars in the hope that they will receive approval, notice, and renown by their physical features. And then....one day, the results (temporal beauty) goes in the grave with them.

Now, I am a woman and I like beautiful things as much as other women. Admittedly, there are times when "things" (beauty) pulls me to dwell on what might not necessarily be good for me or for my spiritual growth. Our Western society has gone wild with the beauty craze making cosmetology scream into millions earned in revenue! It's heady to watch commercials or scan magazines day after day and read (or see) the promises to make us youthful, more alluring, more beautiful!

But to the very depths of my soul, I choose to believe and embrace that I am fearfully and wonderfully (perfectly) made by my Heavenly Father. He makes no mistakes in His creation. My flat feet and crooked smile are not imperfections to anyone except this society. I am beautiful to Him who made me and gave His life to redeem me.

Honestly, in my opinion, we have no rights of our own. We were bought with a price and in that - I choose to find beauty! Everlasting beauty!

New Year Resolutions: Back It Up!! Check It Out!

Last time I told you about our home invasion the week before Christmas. Two of the biggest things we learned:

1) Don't just keep saying that you need to back up the pictures and important documents on your computer. DO IT!! This week! We lost over 2000 pictures on the computer that was stolen. I knew better. It was always my intention to buy an external hard drive and get the pictures off both of our computers. Even now - I have bought the external hard drive - but it still sets empty. Once again, I am putting off backing up more pictures and documents on our old desktop. When will I ever learn??

2) Familiarize yourself with your home insurance policy. Do you have enough coverage to replace everything in your home - or are you just trying to get by as cheaply as possible? We have what Allstate calls the DELUXE policy, which sounds really comprehensive to me, but don't let that fool you. Our comprehensive policy DOES NOT cover the personal property of any who is not under our immediate and legal care - no matter the age. Patrick, the young man staying with us during our home invasion also had his laptop stolen, but is not covered because, even though he is under 21, we are not his legal guardians.

In fairness to Allstate, this is an overall corporate policy for most insurance companies. Everyone is responsible/expected to have home owners insurance that would cover his personal property no matter where it is - especially college students - they are covered even while away at school. Hopefully, Patrick's mother's insurance is going to cover his laptop loss. You might want to know what your policy covers so that you can inform anyone that is going to be staying with you for any length of time (or even one night) if they have personal property of substantial worth.

So, our claim of a stolen laptop and an iPod probably seems petty (especially to the insurance company) - and considering how our insurance is going up slightly for the next 3 years because of it - it may not have been worth filing. However, when Jeff tried to fix our sliding glass door and could not, we had to add another element to the claim. Because of having to replace that door, it seems that our claim has gained a little more merit and may pay off in the long run. However, filing claims is just one of those things you have to decide whether it is worth the risk or premiums being increased!

So, after saying all that, I do wish you a Blessed and Happy 2008 - no matter what may happen. I have found in my life of almost a half of a century that God is in control even when we're not - and even when it seems that no one is. He is and always will be.

I hope I remember that as we now wait to hear whether Lauren's car will be totaled and, if so, how much we will be given for it. Then what? How will we replace that car? God is in control........I bend my knee - and ear - to my Heavenly Father!

Christmas, Car Accidents, and Charlatans Who Steal Peoples' Computers

What a season to remember! This Christmas I was determined to change things up a bit! I actually bought gifts for fun or just because....and only on one or two gifts did I do my overanalyzing (is this the right color? what size would she want? four or five piece? Oh! I just don't know!) That is the bog down in most of my Christmas shopping...trying to figure out what will be THE perfect gift for someone! There is no perfect gift, even though I did hit several home runs this year! It was just plain fun - thinking of how that person had blessed me throughout the year.

Probably what spurred the whole shopping thing on - 'cause it was nearly the second week of December before I even had a plan - was to go shopping with a friend that doesn't like to shop either. She inspired me, gave me confidence and great ideas! Thanks, Deb (yes, your name made it into my blog!)

I then put up the tree - with my retro colored lights - simple red and green silky-type bulbs and and icy (plastic) trim. It definitely looked like a 70ish tree, but everyone seemed to love it. I placed a couple of snow men on my fireplace mantle, two silk poinsettas on my foyer table, and that was about it for decorations this year. It was freeing - and still simple and enjoyable!

After wrapping all the packages and putting the house in order, I headed off to Carolina Beach for a week of writing on my book (African memoir) and relaxation and being only 45 minutes from my parents - whom I saw three times during that week! Two of my daughters and a boyfriend came down on Wednesday night, and that was basically the end of any concentrative writing, but it definitely began a whole lot of fun and laughter! On Thursday, I took our camera and our youngest daughter, Lauren, on the beach for a photo shoot (for her senior year portfolio). They turned out incredible! It's hard to believe sometimes that our baby girl is going to be flying the coup after this year.

By Friday night, Jeff and our oldest daughter came down to spend the last couple of nights together. On Saturday, we took a trip across the Fort Fisher ferry and spent a great time in Southport. My three crazy daughters tried to feed every seagull in the state of North Carolina, and when the bread ran out (which they connived from an old man sitting on a bench), they were attacked! This video was captured during the "sea gull" escapades!

A few days earlier, before the rest of my family came down, we experienced our first American home invasion. I say that because we went through two wars evacuations in West Africa and lost whole households, but this is the first time for us to experience the crassness of petty thieves. One morning while no one was home, someone (most likely more than one person) entered our house from our back deck, shimmying our sliding glass door open with a large screw driver. Thankfully, our alarm was on and went off immediately, but they still took time to go straight to our office, take our family laptop and a college guy's laptop (who was staying with us for the holidays), plus Jeff's iPod off his desk (but leaving his GPS - thanks, Mr. Thief). Jeff happened to be within 5 minutes of our house and go there before the police. We assumed that they were trying to steal Christmas presents, but they never touched any of those.

Three days later, the same college student who was staying with us that lost his laptop, was driving Lauren's 1993 Mazda Protege, when a man ran a red light and hit him in the front driver's side of the car. The damage was so extensive that it totaled the car. So, here we have a 17-year old without a car right now.

The last few days have been spent (for Jeff mainly) on the phone with insurance adjusters and representatives. In another blog I will relate the important things we have learned from these two insurance encounters. Maybe it will help some of you in the long run!

Despite all the frustrations and losses, our Christmas holiday was unique and blessed. Just spending time with family and friends and enjoying time away from responsibilities at home was refreshing!


The recurring theme playing through my mind this Christmas season was that HE CAME - Emmanuel came because He wanted to, because He loved us, and because He was the ONLY way to get us out of the mess we had made of our lives! AND HE IS STILL WITH US!! Everyday!